Previously on soap opera... Tony Fontaine and his friends, Tony Fontaine and Tony Fontaine are searching for Tony Fontaine’s long lost dead father, Tony Fontaine. Is the missing diary page in Angela Lansbury's hip?

Tonight... a surprise.

Tony Fontaine 1: Well, the diary was not in Angela Lansbury's hip.
Tony Fontaine 2: That hip wasn't even hollow.
Tony Fontaine 3: Maybe we can catch a ball game before the end of the day.
Tony Fontaine 1: Ball games are nice, but I received a letter.
Tony Fontaine 3: What does it say?
Tony Fontaine 1: Surprise, I have to go to the east coast.
Tony Fontaine 2,3: We can't go.

Later, on the east coast...

Tony Fontaine 1: Taxi!
Taxi Driver: Where are you going?
Tony Fontaine 1: Do you know where that senator lives?
Taxi Driver: No.
Tony Fontaine 1: I will go to that restaurant with the girls.
Taxi Driver: I had a chicken wing and got kicked in the groin.
Brian Peterson: Don't forget to change my tires! Meterding!

Next week, Tony Fontaine meets two new friends.

Previously on soap opera... Tony Fontaine and his friends, Tony Fontaine and Tony Fontaine are searching for Tony Fontaine’s long lost dead father, Tony Fontaine. After teaming up with Tony Fontaine's father's brother, Donald Fontaine, and Brian Peterson, then losing Brian Peterson, they get in a car with Tony Fontaine's former girlfriend, Penelope, and head to the gas station... or do they?

Tonight... to slip or not to slip

Tony Fontaine, Tony fontaine, and Tony fontaine are Donald Fontaine are huddled up.

Penelope: One of you could have sat in the front seat.
Tony Fontaine 1: We thought that it would be rude to ask you to turn down your stereo.
Penelope: That's not a stereo. It is a ham radio.
Tony Fontaine 3: Tony Fontaine, didn't your father invent a sandwich with that name.
Tony Fontaine 1: I remember that sandwich. But the flyers said it was a hand radio sandwich.
Donald Fontaine: Your father was a terrible speller.
Tony Fontaine 2: Penelope, would you hand me that Ham Radio?
Penelope: Here are my sandles. Be careful how you handle them.
Tony Fontaine 1: Look. Brian Peterson is break dancing.

Everyone exits the station wagon out the trunk…

Tony Fontaine 1: Brian Peterson, are you break dancing?
Brian Peterson: Super bonnet! there’s a bee in my digital wrist watch.
Penelope: That explains why there wasn't any music playing.
Tony Fontaine 1: Brian Peterson once told me he only danced to the hand radio.
Donald Fontaine: I can play the hambone.

Tony Fontaine plays the hambone.

Brain Peterson: Holy moly. two in the hambone is worth one in the… doing!

Next week: swollen testicles.

Previously on soap opera: After being cured of amnesia and diarrhea, tony fontaine, tony fontaine, tony fontaine, Donald fontaine, and brian Peterson go west.

Tonight: to hip or not to hip. a long lost love… or is it?

Tony Fontaine, Tony fontaine, Tony fontaine and Donald Fontaine are standing in a puddle.

Tony fontaine 1: I thought Brian Peterson was going to change this flat tire.
Tony Fontaine 2: he had to walk to the gas station first.

A station wagon approaches….

Penelope: Are you guys waiting for a tire change, or are you selling stationary.
Tony Fontaine 3: A girl like that makes me want to discontinue my stationary position in this puddle.
Tony Fontaine 1: Hey girl, didn’t we used to date in high school.
Penelope: I don’t think so. I only dated one man and his name was tony fontaine.
Tony Fontaine 1: I am tony fontaine.
Penelope: I didn’t recognize you with that space helmet on.
Tony Fontaine 2: We all have them on so we won’t be recognized.
Penelope: Well, hop in this station wagon and i’ll take you to the gas station.
Tony Fontaine 1: i’m glad you do not have any hard feelings about the way i dumped you and then went on a date with your sister.
Penelope: I don’t have a sister.

Everyone: Uh-oh!

Next week: to Hollywood or not to Hollywood.

Previously on soap opera...
After going deep and lacking coverage, Tony Fontaine received a pass from his uncle Donald Fontaine.  Everyone caught a deadly case of amnesia.  Will our heroes resume searching for Tony Fontaine’s long lost dead father, Tony Fontaine?  Will that secret passage about the son of the son of god and a missing page to his diary help them find the answers? 

 Tonight:  Everyone goes to Hollywood.  Tony Fontaine is a talking dog.

 Tony Fontaine, Tony fontaine, and Tony fontaine are Donald Fontaine are standing in a puddle.

 Tony Fontaine 1:  Luckily someone spiked the superbowl of punch with the cure for amnesia and diarrhea.
Tony Fontaine 2:  Luckily someone dumped the superbowl of punch on our coach.
Donald Fontaine:  I am not your coach.
Tony Fontaine 3:  Luckily everyone forgot that you are not our coach.
Donald Fontaine:  Luckily we all had our mouths open when that superbowl of punch was dumped.
All:  Break!

Later, in the steam room… 

Tony Fontaine 1:  What a great shower.
Tony Fontaine 2:  Luckily they allow pets in this showering facility.
Tony Fontaine 3:  They don’t.  But I talked them into it.
Donald Fontaine:  my twin brother is dead and now you are telling me that he may have come back from the dead?
Tony Fontaine 1:  If only we could find that missing page to his smaller diary.
Tony Fontaine 3:  I think it is in Angela Lansbury’s hip.
Tony Fontaine 2:  Surely, her hip is not hollow.  Or is it?
Donald Fontaine: Well, there is only one way to find out!

Later, in Kansas…

 Tony Fontaine 1:  Is Angela Lansbury in Florida or Hollywood?
Tony Fontaine 3:  My magical powers are weakened by my distance from the historical pantry.
Brian Peterson:  Dunk a Trunk!  Four spare tires and a Chinese boot!
Donald Fontaine:  Whoah!  The pantry is in the trunk.
Tony Fontaine 3:  Everyone into the new car.  Hollywood, USA!
Brian Peterson:  Doing!  Four to the floor and porch to the north.

Next week:  Angela Lansbury’s hollow hip and a long lost love.

Previously on soap opera:  Tony Fontaine and his friends, Tony Fontaine and Tony Fontaine are searching for Tony Fontaine’s long lost dead father, Tony Fontaine.  Will a secret passage about the son of the son of god and a missing page to his diary help them find the answers?  Will his long lost twin uncle in a space helmet, Donald Fontaine, with a deadly case of amnesia provide information or spread amnesia all over the place?  Did Brian Peterson ever buy that car?

 Tonight, suit up!  or does he?

 Tony Fontaine, Tony fontaine, and Tony fontaine are Donald Fontaine are huddled up.

Tony Fontaine 1:  This is the most important huddle i have ever been in.
Tony Fontaine 2:  I am standing in a puddle.
Tony Fontaine 3:  We all are standing in this huddle.
Donald Fontaine:  Why am I wearing this space helmet?
Tony Fontaine 1:  Remember, you have a deadly case of amnesia.  We should all be wearing space helmets.
Tony Fontaine 2:  To the grocery store!
All:  Break!

Later at the grocery store…

Tony Fontaine 1:  Does everyone have their space helmets?
Tony Fontaine 3:  I am going to fill mine with chips.
Donald Fontaine:  Go deep, son!
Tony Fontaine 1:  You are my uncle, but I will go deep.
Tony Fontaine 2:  Somebody better cover that guy.
Brain Peterson:  Knock a tock!  Stocks are up!

Next week:  Diaries, diarrhea, and Angela Lansbury’s hollow hip.  or is it?

Previously on soap opera...

 Tonight, a mysterious guest introduces himself.  or does he?

 Tony Fontaine, Tony fontaine, and Tony fontaine are sitting at a table.

 Tony Fontaine 1:  So we probably shouldn't eat that pie anymore.

 A mysterious guest appears:

mysterious guest:  Hello.
Tony Fontaine 1:  Everybody drop your telephones.  It is my dead father, Tony Fontaine.
Tony FOntaine 2: 5 to 7 seconds ago we were just sitting here.
mysterious guest:  My name is donald fontaine.
Tony Fontaine 1:  Of course, donald fontaine is my dead father's brother.  When I was a child we called him uncle donald fontaine.
TOny FOntaine 3:  5 to 7 seconds ago we thought tony fontaine's father, tony fontaine had some back from the dead.
TOny FOntaine 2:  10 to 14 seconds ago we were just sitting here.
Brian Peterson:  buttercups!  I better turn in my palm pilot for an arm pilot. tap a dapple dapple.
Tony FOntaine 1:  Where did you come from donald fontaine?
mysterious guest:  i got back from europe and i have a disease.  the disease of amnesia.
Tony Fontiane 3:  amnesia is that disease where you forget things.
mysterious guest:  why is that dog talking.
Tony FOntaine 2: I hope it isn't highly contagious.
mysterious guest: Yes!.  but i can't remember why i am wearing this space helmet.
Tony Fontaine 1:  That disease sounds worse than diarrhea.
mysterious guest:  It is.  for example, one time i forgot i had diarrhea.

Next week on soap opera...  will donald fontaine rally the troops to a super bowl win?

previously on soap opera...
Tony Fontaine tries to learn more about his father’s death by opening his second smaller diary with a small screwdriver.

Tony Fontaine, Tony Fontaine, and Tony Fontaine are all sitting on the porch at Southfork ranch…

Tony Fontaine 1:  Now that everyone is done vomiting, we can open my dead father’s second smaller diary that was found inside his diary.

Tony Fontaine opens the diary and begins reading…

Tony Fontaine 1: Dear diary,  I just bought this new diary.  it is smaller than my other diary.  I almost bought one from JCPennys, but they don’t sell diarys.
Tony Fontaine 2:  Why don’t you skip ahead.

Tony Fontaine skips ahead…

Tony Fontaine 1:  Dear diary, what a terrible jar of store bought gravy i had tonight with dinner.  it was slightly lumpy, which i liked, but the flavor was very bland.
Tony Fontaine 3:  Why don’t you skip ahead to the end.

Tony Fontaine skips ahead…

Tony Fontaine 1:  This is dated June 13^th the day before his death.
Tony Fontaine 2:  I had no idea that your father, Tony Fontaine, died on Flag Day.
Tony Fontaine 3:  I doubt that is circumstantial evidence.
Tony Fontaine 1:  Dear diary, I am afraid for my life.

Mailman enters…

Mailman:  Is this Southfork ranch?
Tony Fontaine 2:  Yes.
Mailman:  No mail for today. 

Mailman leaves…

Tony Fontaine 1:  I fear my enemies have discovered my knowledge about the son of the son of god.
Tony Fontaine 3:  Holy crap.  the following page is torn out.
Tony Fontaine 1:  We must find that page.  And I think I know just the senator that can help.
Brian Peterson:  One stack two stack three.  Will someone help me put these superstacks in my superslacks?

Next week on Soap Opera...
Everyone copes with holiday seasickness.

 Hank:  Tony Fontaine 1
Pauline:  Tony Fontaine 2
Rolly:  Tony Fontaine 3     
Mailman:  Guest

Soap Opera

previously on soap opera...
Tony Fontaine tries to learn more about his father’s death by reading his diary.

Tony Fontaine is sitting at a table reading Variety magazine…

Tony Fontaine 3:  What an S.O.B…  This guy is an S.O.B…  Look at these numbers.

Bill Nye enters.

Bill Nye:  Have you seen the numbers.
Tony Fontaine 3:  I’ve seen them, Bill Nye.  I read them.  I live them.
Bill Nye:  You come to Diptown, USA, you start living by the numbers or you die by the numbers.
Tony Fontaine 3:  My voice grows weary, my eyes blurry.
Bill Nye:  Tony Fontaine, are you listening to me?
Tony Fontaine 3:  No.  To think only a year ago, everything was great except for that one isolated incident when we had to accidentally murder that one guys grandmother.
Bill Nye: Tony Fontaine, I thought someone had deep fried a curly angel when i heard your voice.
Waiter:  Did you order a lemon water?
Bill Nye:  Did I?

Bill Nye and the waiter repeatedly high five.

Meanwhile, at Southfork Ranch in Montpellier, everyone gathers around a table…

Tony Fontaine 1:  Thank you for coming to Southfork Ranch.  It has been over a year since I was about to open my fathers second smaller diary that was found in my fathers diary.
Tony Fontaine 2:  We will finally find out something more about whether Tony Fontaine’s father will be returning from the dead.
Used Car salesman:  Would you please pass the potatoes?
Tony Fontaine 2:  Here you go, Used Car Salesman.  I hear Brian Peterson has been enjoying his used car for about a year.
Tony Fontaine 1:  And now, to use this small screwdriver that I found in that second black case to open my father’s second smaller diary.

Tony Fontaine enters…

Tony Fontaine 3:  Wait… why don’t you let me help you.
Bill Nye:  Holy, crap, it’s Tony Fontaine!!! 

Everyone repeatedly high fives.

Mailman:  It is a Christmas miracle.  Thank goodness I finished delivering all that mail so I could be here.
Tony Fontaine 2:  I’m thankful for these flapjacks.
Used Car Salesman: What a great idea to serve them in superstacks.
Master of Time: I am the Master of Time.  To when will you pass the green bean casserole?
Brian Peterson:  Dipple, Dapple.  Nutmeg on toast?

Brian Peterson begins slipping on banana peel.

Brian Peterson:  Doy… Doy… Doy… Doing!

Next week on Soap Opera...
Everyone copes with holiday seasickness.

Pauline:  Tony Fontaine 2   Hank:  Tony Fontaine 1      Rolly:  Tony Fontaine 3      Guest:  Game Show Host
Master of Time     Bill Nye                  Used Car Salesman